Envision this hypothetical situation. Two women work together. Once a week or so, one of the women gets a floral display delivered to her by her husband. The second woman never receives anything. One day the second woman sees her co-worker’s flowers delivered once again, and she’s had enough. A significant argument ensues when she gets home, complete with raised voices and slammed doors. The next day, the second woman gets a floral delivery. Not surprisingly, it isn’t very satisfying. What she truly wanted wasn’t so much the flowers but to know that her life partner was thinking of her. The fact that it took an argument to make it happen takes the bloom off of the proverbial rose.
Apply that same feeling to frame the context of this story. I need to start with a fact. I never hit people up for donations or favors other than in infrequent circumstances. By that, I mean maybe once every 5-10 years. Favors and friendships are nothing I ever want to abuse.
An adage says, “We teach others how to treat us by what we allow, what we stop, and what we reinforce.” By that standard, if we have one-way relationships, which most of us do, the blame lands squarely on us. In other words, we allow it, so it continues. I recently had a series of situations in my life that revealed several of these situations with my own friends.
I can’t begin to tell you how many dozens of times and with how many friends something like this has happened. It’s usually a male friend and I’ve gotten to know his significant other, over time. The couple runs into some snags in their relationship, and for whatever reason, they reach out to me to be the judge of right and wrong. I’m guessing because I know them both and have a reputation for calling it as I see it, regardless of who is in the wrong. A life in business leads you to become a problem solver, so maybe that’s why they reach out to me. I end up being their “counselor,” trying to help them work through things and find common ground to move forward. This ends up being probably a dozen hours, on the phone, at all hours. I listen to each side of the story and try to get them to dialogue openly to get back on track. I do not even begin to think that relationship counseling is a skill I possess, but they usually get back on track, and all is good.
Not long ago, I got connected to a potential article about a US woman that traveled to Ukraine after the invasion. She risks life and limb to evacuate women and children to safety in Poland. Her efforts there is nothing short of incredible. I try to raise money for her expenses and food and medical supplies for the Ukrainian people. I reach out to my Facebook friends. Some respond, others crickets. Every single one of these friends for whom I have been their ”therapist” ghosts me. I sent them FB messages, zero. Personal texts, asking for any level of donation, large or small. Again, crickets. Not even the courtesy of a response.
A couple of months back, a friend of twenty years or so reached out for a favor. He needed a piece of property to expand his business, but the commercial lender at his bank had told him it wasn’t doable for them. An executive of the bank with decision-making authority was a long-term acquaintance, so I reached out on behalf of my friend. In a series of calls over a week or so, I vouched for my friend and made a case for him and his business, and eventually, his mortgage was approved, and he closed on his property.
When I texted him about the situation in Ukraine, I expected, given the recent crisis and legitimacy of the need, he would have jumped at the opportunity to make a substantial donation. Social media posts of his business expansion and his new cars, vacation, etc., indicated all was good with him. I didn’t hear back, so I emailed and FB messaged. Again, crickets.
Yet another reached out with a request for advice/help. His daughter had gotten a couple of traffic tickets, and his insurance would go sky high if they made it to her record. Thinking I’d like to help my friend, I figured out that I had an excellent mutual friend with the prosecutor involved and asked for a connection. When we connected, he listened to my argument, considered our common relationship, and agreed to reduce the ticketed charges to equipment citations and a small fine but no points, so there is no impact on her record or my friend’s insurance. It’s what friends do for each other, right?
Can you guess where this is headed? You would be correct if you assumed that he ignored my texts and messages for a donation.
We won’t even talk about those that I have helped write their bios or resumé, connected to professional services for themselves or their family members, got them around a six-month wait for a medical specialist, and the list goes on. How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies have I purchased for your kids? Popcorn and donuts for their fundraisers. Raffle tickets to raise money for whatever cause needed money. Not to mention “loaning” countless sums over the years that are not always repaid. I can tell you about numerous others, but I think you get the point. I don’t think I have ever said no to a friend.
