There is something special about a man with his son at a baseball game.
The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wiggle out of one.
It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.
Bad luck is meeting your date’s father and realizing he’s the pharmacist you bought condoms from that afternoon.
I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.
My favorite place to be is home.
It’s better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
If you want something sweet, order the pound cake. Anybody who puts sugar in the cornbread is a heathen who doesn’t love the Lord, not to mention Southeastern Conference football.
If you don’t shower for a couple of days, you won’t have to put up with worrisome people like your friends and fellow employees.
A lot of people won’t listen to old men. A lot of people are stupid.
One day, there won’t be any more trains, and a part of me will die.
I get letters from people who say “What have you got against women?” What could I possibly have against women? I’ve married three of them.
First, we really don’t care how you did it in Chicago. Second, if you miss it so much, Delta is ready when you are.
As best as I can tell, God was undefeated in all sports last year. Anybody who won thanked Him, and I never heard a single loser blame Him.
Lewis was widely known for his dislike of Clemson. He often included the hated school in his stand-up routines. One of his regular inclusions, “Clemson boys recently discovered a new use for sheep. Wool.” When it took the audience a moment to grasp that, Lewis said, “I’m trying to go as slow as I can.”
You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’
In the south there’s a difference between ‘Naked’ and ‘Nekkid.’ ‘Naked’ means you don’t have any clothes on. ‘Nekkid’ means you don’t have any clothes on and you’re up to somethin’.
About his porcine heart valve replacement, “Every time I’d pass a barbecue restaurant, my eyes would fill with tears.
Eat, drink and be merry, I say, for tomorrow you may choke on a big piece of broccoli.
From his ex-wife, Kathy Grizzard Smook
“When I met Lewis, the only cultured thing in his apartment was the buttermilk he kept in the refrigerator,”
“I explained to Lewis that he should never light a match near his closet, because the synthetic fumes from the resulting flash fire would kill him for sure.
From Lewis Grizzard, Sr. “Nobody deserves that’, and the story that goes with it.
Before we could settle in for our Christmas,, my father had to take care of a problem. He had found this family-the man out of work, in need of a shave and a haircut, and his wife crying because her babies were hungry. My father, whatever he was, was a giving man. He couldn’t stand to have when others didn’t. “They’re flat on their butts, and it’s Christmas,” I remember him saying to my mother. “Nobody deserves that.”
So, he somehow found a barber willing to leave home on Christmas Eve, and he took the old man in for a shave and a haircut. Then he bought the family groceries. Sacks and sacks of groceries. He bought toys for the kids, of which there was a houseful. The poor are often fruitful.
We didn’t leave them until dusk. The old man and the woman thanked us, and the kids watched us with wondering eyes.
As we drove away in “The blue goose”, my father broke down and cried. My mother cried, too. I cried because they were crying.
We all slept together that night and cried ourselves to sleep. Next morning, I had my pistols and my hat, and my picture of Hopalong Cassidy.
Maybe the three of us had only one real Christmas together-my father had left by the time the next one had rolled around-but it was a Christmas a man can carry around for a lifetime.
Lewis has been gone for almost thirty years, but his words still entertain us.